some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
