Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
