I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom said you looked used
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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