im about as happy as oj after his trial
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
