So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I believe in your delicious
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
