hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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