saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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