Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
