I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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