so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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