he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
