sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
