the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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