don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
