i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
