Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
two words: eviction party
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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