I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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