i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
