The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
