"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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