I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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