speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
