@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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