i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
