I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I want a musical about memes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
