Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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