This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
