So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
