someone get that fucking seahorse.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
