Screwed.edu
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
