i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
