At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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