i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
