I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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