Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
