i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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