I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
