Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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