He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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