I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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