OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
