just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
