God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
