I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize