My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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