Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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