I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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