They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
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It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
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YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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