I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
