oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
vagina is talking i cant
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
