i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
