okay pat passed out under dana's car
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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