all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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