omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
