you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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