I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
