Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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