My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
