I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
