and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
