there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
