I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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