i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
