I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
